Sympathy, I have in spades. I think it's what leaks out of my eyes when watching schmaltzy TV shows, or it's that reassuring pat on the shoulder I give someone when they're upset, or angry, or any other inflammatory emotion, generally accompanied by the word, 'Nevermind....' Sometimes it's hard for me to discern the difference between Sympathy or Empathy. This video, an animation for part of a talk by Brené Brown was actually really helpful (thanks to @reidmizell for sharing!) In it, Brown describes empathy as being the listening ear. The ability to not problem solve or try and distract by reminding the speaker that there are others in the same boat... or a worse boat... or no boat at all. Empathy does not 'silver line' the dark clouds driving that disheartening feeling. Brown cites the work of Susan Wiseman (citation unknown) in describing the 4 traits of empathy:
Brown goes on to say that empathy drives the connection between individuals as it requires the listener to make themselves vulnerable, to connect with something in their own experience that allows them to know the same feeling that is being expressed. Sympathy, on the other hand, engenders tendencies of 'silver lining' and actually pushes a disconnect. When we sympathize, we may recognize emotion by we don't communicate or express it and we hold tight to our own perspective on a situation (leading back to buckets of sliver paint). It makes me think of those rather trite affirmations that pop up on Pinterest so often. Empathy in a Coaching Role So, why am I talking about and thinking about empathy? I could connect it to any number of things- it's an essential part of Design Thinking, it's undergoing a resurgence as educational thinkers, movers and shakers, try to realign on what education should look like, particularly if we are going to solve the 'wicked problems' of the 21st Century. In truth, I talk (or rather write) about empathy because I believe it is so significant to the role of an instructional coach, or indeed anyone who has a job in education that requires them to affect change. It isn't something you'll see on the ISTE standards for coaches but bear with me... As a Digital Coach, the first thing I did on coming into my school was to start trying to identify solutions. Solutions to problems I identified or solutions to problems that someone mentioned in passing. I generated lots of 'stuff'- resources and ideas, I attended meetings ready with about 50 ideas of ways technology could be used to improve/ develop/ enhance and transform learning. I had 'fix-its' for the printer, for solving email issues but all of these things were short term, superficial. They kept me busy and they looked good but they didn't bring about a long lasting change. In short, I needed to shut up and listen. I needed to ask a few open ended questions, listen carefully to the response and not offer a solution. I needed to thank the person who spoke to me, walk away and think about what I had heard and consider how it connected to what other people had told me so I could try to understand the bigger group experience. Only then could I begin proposing ideas that would truly help colleagues to change their practices. I could only expect them to trust in me and my ideas if they truly felt I understood their experiences. They had limited interest in my experiences in the classroom with technology (why should they?) so my trotting them out in a vague attempt to connect with them was judgmental and didn't honor their perspective. I needed their story. As a Coach, it is something I continue to struggle with (my Dad raised me with the phrase, 'Don't come to me for sympathy, come to me when you want to solve the problem' and it stuck- I love my Dad but he was born in WWII, is from the North of England and reads the 'Daily Mail.' 'Emotion' is not something he's comfortable with) but where I have experienced success it is where I have taken the time to truly, deeply listen to the other party and not offer solutions to what I imagine their problem to be.
I engaged in an 'empathic listening' exercise a few weeks ago. It was uncomfortable, at least it was to do it so consciously and I was very aware of what I was saying and who was in the room with me (my boss, my office mate and one of my own coaching team) Here's how I experienced slight success with it: (1) eye contact throughout- no note taking, no computer, tablet or phone. If you think you need to record the interview then record the whole thing using your phone but don't mess with it during the conversation. The person you are talking to needs to feel valued and validated. (2) periodically repeat back what someone just told you, in summary form (you are not a parrot). Start with a phrase like, 'I hear you saying...' and allow them to clarify, elaborate. In our group it lead to deeper self reflection, moving towards self empowered problem solving (3) be careful about asking questions (unless doing an empathy interview)- you want to stay away from suggestions of judgement. I also find questions can sometimes turn into solutions, 'Have you thought about...?' My recommendation to my own coaching team had been to put the solutions and bright ideas to the side for a couple of weeks, take time to listen to colleagues and ask them about their experiences with technology. I feel this will enable them to meet their teachers where they are at, rather than where they would think the teachers to be. In doing so they will be able to relate and build relationships. It is a slow process and it is not sexy (the desire for instant visible results can lead to solutions that are in search of a problem!) but I do believe this approach can lead to long-lasting results, commitment, partnership and change that will ultimately benefit students. Further Reading? Stamford's D school of Design has a whole section on Empathy Interviews as part of the Design Thinking process An initiative recently launched, The Empathy Library- resources for developing empathy in young people 'Stop Googling, let's Talk'- Sherry Turkle in the New York Times (love Sherry Turkle) Coming soon: The challenge of transitioning from classroom to coach. (this post originally published at: http://misshlearning.blogspot.com)
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About the AuthorPassionate about learning, creativity, innovation and tech. Brit Abroad keen to work with others to make the world a little kinder. Archives
April 2019
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